Wamboin Community Association

Golf

Wamboin has a somewhat different golf course where the 18 fairways are spread over five properties and the Bingley Way Community Centre. All putting surfaces on our golf course are sand greens.

On the first Sunday of each month we meet at the Community Hall in Bingley Way (at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm start) to sort out the competition. First time golfers and children are welcome to try their skills. We hit off on different holes to ensure a more even finish time.

Then it is back to the hall where tall stories and presentations are mixed with nibblies and drinks. Partners, friends and relatives of the golfers also join in this social activity.

Contact

Peter Greenwood  6238 3358


April Competition Results

The Wamboin Mini Masters

Results pending...

Saddle Up

Winners & Grinners
Winners Grinners

March Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 4 March. Your correspondent had a strange dream last night. I dreamt I was in Sydney, sitting up front in St Mary’s cathedral listening to the King’s Singers (no relation) all the way from King’s College (not mine), Cambridge. Next door the LGBTIQ community were having their annual Coming Out Party, known as the G&L Mardi Gras. The church’s first female bishop was leading the parade on a float bedecked in precious jewels which she was throwing to the crowd (they clearly weren’t hers) who were shouting “Jewelry, Bishop! Jewelry, Bishop!” I was about to trouser a diamond the size of the Koh-I-Noor when a large uncouth individual wearing jockey shorts and an over-sized Akubra leaped off the float of the Gay Farmers of New England and ripped it from my hand, screaming “What about my unborn child!” At that point I awoke, regretting the cassoulet of green apples, curried eggs and baked beans I had consumed the night before. All of which explains why I didn’t make the monthly Wamboin golf day and this report comes to you second hand.

Donkey of Finn

The day was sponsored by Ken and Deb Gordon and their vivacious children whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments. Play was deemed to be on the Stableford scoring system, so with a muttered oath or two from the mathematically challenged, golfers of the region girded their loins (not a pretty sight) and set off into the heart of darkness as my old mate, Joe Conrad, would have it.

Watergate

Back at the disco, as we all danced to the rhythms of Bronski Beat and marveled at the magical a cappella sound of the The Nylons (who could have given the Kings Singers a run for their money), discussion turned to the meltdown by QPR Councilor Malaria Hash, the Calamity Jane of local politics. Seems she has been casting aspersions on the staff of The Dear Leader, Kim Working Trousers, whose missile program is going great guns and has already taken out Clean Up Australia Day in the outlying regions of our hermit state. The captain called us to order by welcoming our guests, Gerhard Ryan and Katie and Samantha. Ted Evans celebrated his birthday by pointing dramatically to his new golf shoes.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball was awarded to Vick Still and the dummy spit went to Tim Barter (details redacted under privacy law). NTP and LD ball winners were Colin Urquhart x 2, Tim Barter x 2, Ken Gordon, Deb Gordon, Gerhard Ryan, Pete Harrison and Paul Griffin.

Phoebe Beckett took out the juniors’ prize. Winner of the nine hole competition was Joan Mason on 21 Stableford points from runner-up Colin Urquhart 20 followed by Samuel Urquhart 16 OCB. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 38, from Gerhard Ryan 37 and Vicki still in 3rd place on 35.

Next month is April. Green fees will be waived for the first reader to correctly identify whether T S Eliot said it was (a) the cruelest month (b) the only month starting with A (c) the only month with 28 days. But the most important thing about April is that it’s the month of the Wamboin Mini Masters – the most fun you can have standing up with a golf club in your hand. So why not join us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 1 April at the community hall for the usual 12.30pm start. There will be enough of us golfing April fools present to give you all the camouflage you need.

Larry King, golfer.

February Competition Results

Sunday, 4 February, very warm, like the greeting a foreign donor gets from a political party. Despite the breaking news of the serious security SNAFU embroiling the Wamboin Golf Club (more later), a pleasing number of finally-tuned athletes rolled up for the February liver-cleansing comp sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families, whom we thank for the healthy eats offset by the countervailing prizes.

Weepers Drive

Stroke play was the order of the day and with a song in our hearts we struck out for various parts of the manicured Wamboin course with our ears pricked for the sound of the trusty 410 shotgun which would signal the beginning of hostilities.

Back at base, talk turned to the scandalous breach of security referred to above. In case you’re not across it, let me summarise. A number of the club’s filing cabinets containing files classified TOP SECRET and AUSTEO (something to do with Panadol) were removed from club premises and found their way into the hands of the Australian Bolshevik Comintern (ABC). Instead of immediately returning them to the club, the ABC broadcast scurrilous reports of a confidential proposal to radically reduce the handicaps of junior players. In the event, the club decided not to go ahead with the idea but both ABC News and 1930hours (presented by that talented inquisitor, Red Sails) made it their lead story for the week. In other words, a story about something that didn’t happen!

Donkey of Finn

At least they got something right when they correctly reported ABS analysis of data confirming the global death rate had remained stable at 100%. The captain noted that if you torture a statistic long enough it’ll confess to anything. He then welcomed our guests Jen Cass, David Major, Lee Beamont and Timothy Nelson.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball was awarded to one of the club’s junior greenkeepers for getting his car locked in at Ron’s Dam Hole. The dummy spit went to his wife who complained—some thought reasonably—of the resulting inconvenience. After an absence, Ted Evans brought us up to date with the goings-on in Queanbeyan.

Grinners

The encouragement award went to Tim Nelson. The junior comp was won by Madz Gordon with 25 strokes from Alex Gordon and Phoebe Beckett. NTP and LD ball winners were Glenn Crafter 3, Vicki Still 2, Ken Gordon, Jen Cass, Keith France and Tim Barter. It was a tie in the senior nine hole comp with Deb Gordon 49 and Ken Gordon 35 both equal on 30 after handicap. (The captain was wise enough not to separate them on count back.) The senior 18 hole comp was taken out by Glenn Crafter 79/53 from runner-up Vicki Still 86/54.

Next month will be March according to the magnetic calendar on your correspondent’s fridge door. We look forward to all you mad March hares joining us at 12.15pm at the Wamboin community hall on Sunday, 4 March for the 12.30pm signal to begin another essay at that enjoyable but frustrating game invented by the fiendish Pictish people.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

Sunday, 7 January. A bloody hot day. I think it got to 39 or 40 at the airport. But up here in God’s Own it was a couple of degrees cooler, for what that was worth. The clever clogs played early in the morning but even then they had a glimpse of how Dante saw his jolly old Inferno.

Up the Creek

The day was to be sponsored by Wyagiba Trading but that walking pathology museum, Dave Hubbard, who had a challenging 2017, had an even rockier start to the New Year. Ever the golfer, he had the presence of mind to call the captain from his hospital bed as they prepared him for the theatre (and I’m not talking about the Capitol in Manuka) to register an apology. We wish him the best including a snappy recovery. Into the breach stepped Joan Mason and Peter Greenwood whom we thank for the last minute eats and prizes. In keeping with the club’s traditional response to extremes of temperature, play was restricted to a nine hole Stableford event, limited to three clubs. Uttering prayers to Ra we stumbled out into the hangi pit of the day.

Hall NTP

Back at the 19th the talk turned to the latest efforts of that “stable genius”, Donald Trumpet. Some thought it was a misprint: he meant stable genesis, referring to his happy upbringing. Others thought he meant table genius, meaning he could clear a table of cheese burgers in 60 seconds. But most agreed he meant what he said: he was a genius compared to the other horses in the stable. Which adds up when you consider his uncanny similarity to the back end of a horse including the tail.

Winners & Grinners

Having sorted that out, the captain welcomed our guests, local pasta makers Al and Margaret Dentay and Scott and Lila Mason all the way from FNQ. The googly ball went to Vicki Still for rescuing Wodger the wonder dog from the clutches (literally) of a large kangaroo while suffering significant personal injuries. The dummy spit was awarded to Scott Mason who complained bitterly about having to get up at 6.30am to play golf. Apparently they leap out of bed at the crack of noon in FNQ.

NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter 2, Larry King 2 and Paul Griffin 2. The junior comp resulted in a tie between Lila Mason and Phoebe Beckett. Winner of the senior nine hole comp was Pete Harrison with 23 Stableford points from Paul Griffin in second place on 17 and Lofty Mason 3rd on 15. Well played, all!

Demonstrating the sporting nature of this corner of Greater Queanbeyan, there is to be a mixed sports day on Sunday 14 January starting at 12.30pm. The program includes boules, badminton, swimming and kangaroo wrangling. On Australia Day (look it up, do I have to do everything for you?) there will be a nine hole comp on various Wamboin estates commencing at 4pm. No wonder we’re so fit and healthy! And the next official Wamboin golf day will be on Sunday, 4 February, sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families. See you at the Hall at 12.15pm for the customary 12.30pm shotgun start.

Larry King, stable golfer

2017

December Competition Results

This report comes to you from Mahogany Ark, afloat on Lake George after the Great Deluge over the weekend of 2/3 December. I’ve been collecting two of every species. So far I’ve got two shingle backs, two blue tongues, two browns, two tigers and two red-bellied blacks. I’m having trouble in determining the sex of the snakes. Apparently the sexes differ in the number of ventral scales—that’s the number of scales from the vent (rectum to you) and the tail. But the snake has to cooperate in the counting process.

Pine Slice

And talking about cooperation, what about our brave and helpful local member, Seve Bolero, the grand poobah of the NSW Country Party, publicly calling on our Malcolm to resign, eh? And done with the courage and courtesy typical of the true statesman—before he actually shirt-fronted Malcolm. Not to mention the seasoned politician’s finely-tuned sense of occasion—just when James Joyce, man of letters and federal leader of the National Country Party, was trying to clamber back into the trough. Keep it up, Seve. History beckons.

But the subject is golf, specifically the R & A Wamboin GC’s Christmas competition which drew a curtain across the club’s programme of events for 2017. Once the floodwaters had subsided we donned Arthur Wellesley’s famous boots, kept calm and carried on. The day was sponsored by the Harrisons and Greenwoods whose generous contribution of refreshments and prizes is gratefully acknowledged.

Short 'n Sweet

As we dried off back on high ground, we learned that Scrooge McDougal, manager of the local branch of the Indigo Bank, is understandably excited about the banking industry royal commission. He hopes the four big outfits get the shellacking they deserve. Your correspondent has an alternative perspective. The inquiry should concentrate on what those plonkers at APRA, ACCC and ASIC were doing while the banks were dry cleaning our money and generally ripping everyone off. Meanwhile, there’s to be another (ho hum) royal wedding. The red-headed chap with the beard is getting hitched to Miss Marple, the elderly private detective.

Winners & Grinners

The captain welcomed our guests Charlie and Helen Montesin of no fixed abode. Ted Evans told us of a new use for pancakes. Pete Harrison got the googly ball for wanting to play on after his drive from tee 16 landed on fairway 17. (Come on, you can work it out.) John Whitney got the dummy spit (again) for suggesting complications to the 9 hole comp.

Prizegiving

LD and NTP ball winners were Paul Griffin 2, John Whitney 2, Vicki Still, Alex Gordon, Ken Gordon, Tim Barter and Glen Crafter. Paul Griffin was also awarded his prize for taking out the 2017 Eclectic, as reported last month. The junior comp was won by Alex Gordon. The 9 hole comp was won by Ken Gordon 35/30 with Joan Mason runner-up on 47/36 after eliminating a sponsor. The 18 hole comp went to Tim Barter 68/58 (a new course record after breaking his own record set in last month’s Open!) from Paul Griffin 82/62 and Glen Crafter 91/66 (a handicap which may not stand).

Our next golf day will be in 2018, a whole year away. Join us at the hall on Sunday, 7 January at 12.15pm for the traditional 12.30pm kick off. And wear a smile. It might be another terrific year. But check the archaic meaning of terrific while having a moderately merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year.

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

Your correspondent recently celebrated a significant birthday ending in zero. I won’t tell you what it was. Many readers of these reports think they’re written by a 12-year-old and I don’t want to puncture their illusions. I mention it merely to emphasise the passage of time leading us to the 32nd Wamboin Open which was contested on Sunday, 5 November, a warm breezy late Spring day. The Open is sponsored by the Wamboin Golf Club, which we thank for the refreshments and prizes. And speaking of food, a special thanks to Joan and her legion of helpers in the kitchen. Thanks also to Jerry at Dan Murphy’s for some wine and the handy carry bags.

Memorial Drive

Out on the course a rare Phoenix egg was discovered – actually a melted golf ball found in the ashes of the bonfire from that September night of the world famous Wamboin Fireworks staged by local pyrotechnical engineer, Robert Louis Stevenson (Stevenson’s Rocket), and the rest of the team at Fireworks Australia. More of that later.

Saddle Up

Back at the station while the Captain toted the scores we all scratched our heads at the plight of the poor old Federal Government and its run of bad luck over the dual citizenship imbroglio. It seems the High Court has confirmed that two isn’t, in fact, better than one (even if you’re a Tasmanian). The Court appeared to reaffirm an earlier judgement that unless you’ve taken “reasonable steps” to repudiate any previous foreign entanglements, you’re gone. But you have to have done so before accepting the Queen’s Shilling, so to speak. And talking of Her Maj, monarchists are up in arms at the suggestion that if the Constitution is to be changed to fix the Section 44 mess, we may as well become a republic at the same time. Menzies would be spinning in his grave. The former PM famously said of HM QE II, “I did but see her passing by, so I hit her with a custard pie”. Deep, very deep.

Winners & Grinners
Dummy Spit Award

The Captain welcomed our guests, Anna and Charles Conder. Ted Evans brought us up to date with goings-on in our twin city, Queanbeyan. The Googly Ball in the form of the Phoenix egg (see above) was awarded to the Captain for being a hot shot – or something that sounds like it. Tim Barter got the Dummy Spit Award for whingeing his way through the front nine while playing the game of his life (see below). The Encouragement Award was shared by Alex and Madison Gordon. LD and NTP ball winners were Len Ivey, Vicki Still, John Whitney x 2, Charles Guscott, Tim Barter x 2 and Pete Harrison x 2.

And now, as John Philip Sousa strikes up the band we can announce the 2017 Wamboin Open results. The Eclectic 9 Holes, Lofty Mason. Eclectic 18 Holes, Paul Griffin. Junior champion (9 Holes), Phoebe Beckett 71/26. Nine Hole Club Champion, Larry King 47/34 from runner-up Lofty Mason 48/37. 18 Hole Club Champion, Pete Harrison 92/55, from Vicki Still 83/57 and John Whitney 3rd on 77/62. The 2017 Ladies Open Champion (9 Holes) is Joan Mason 50. The 2017 Men’s Open Champion is Tim Barter 70 – a new course record. Congratulations to our worthy winners and to all who took part.

With very few shopping days 'til Christmas, now is the time to rush out and buy that new carbon fibre driver so you can dazzle us at the Wamboin Christmas competition when the Community Hall will be decked with boughs of holly or serrated tussock or lantana or something.

Larry King, golfer

October Competition Results

Sunday, 1 October. A pleasantly warm Spring day with a gentle breeze fanning the sports fans of the P part of the QP Region who had gathered at the community hall for the Oktober Komp sponsored by L & L King whom we thank for the prizes and eats.

Ron's Dam Hole

We were all over the moon, beside ourselves and cock-a-hoop (which isn’t as painful as it sounds) at the previous day’s result in the AFL grand final. Would you believe it? After 37 years our very own Bungendore Tigers had prevailed over the Adelaide Mudchooks. No, not the Mudchooks. It was some other form of inedible poultry from South Australia. Your correspondent is not normally a follower of the “four sticks” game—described by an American viewer as “one long fumble”. It was instructive, however, to observe 100,000 people in one place; it instructed him to stick with the sensibly-sized crowds at the Mick Sherd. Before play commenced L King (not to be confused with L King) moved the suspension of so much of standing orders as would prevent a sponsor from winning a prize. This motion failed for lack of a seconder. The mover then petulantly decreed that competition would be based on the mysterious and impenetrable Stableford scoring system.

Twin Gums

Back in the dressing shed as we sucked on oranges and peptides and applied the Dencorub and Voltaren, the irrepressible grand finals fever continued. Many were eagerly anticipating the NRL grand final that evening when the FNQ Bovinepersons (the F stands for Far, by the way) would take on the Melbourne Tempest. But all of us were nervously awaiting the outcome of the biggie, the Superbowl of the silly haircuts: Donald Trumpet’s Basket of Deplorables versus Kim Wrong-un’s Hermit Crabs (unless there was a late scratching) to be played out on the Korean Peninsula—and elsewhere if things get messy, in which case any seat will be a good one.

Winners & Grinners
Prizegiving

The Captain welcomed our visitors from the coast, Len and Linda Ivey, former residents of this parish. Ted Evans regaled us with anecdotes from that regional power base, Queanbeyan, to be ruled for the next three years by that nice Mr Working Trousers. The googly ball went to the mover of the motion above. He was lucky to avoid the dummy spit which, for the first time, went to the normally even-tempered Paul Griffin who queried why he had to accept a two stroke penalty when after teeing off the ball hit a rock, came back and struck his club. LD and NTP ball winners were Tim Barter 2, Keith France 2, Paul Griffin 2, Pete Harrison 3 and Joan Mason. The winner of the nine hole comp was Joan Mason with 13 Stableford points from Lofty Mason 12 and Samuel Urquhart 3rd on 11. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Vicki Still 42 (goodbye current handicap) from Keith France 40 and Pete Harrison in 3rd place on 39 points.

The month of November will mark the region’s golfing grand final, otherwise known as the 32nd Wamboin Open. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start on Sunday, 5 November to see if you can get your name on the honour board as open or handicap champion in the nine or 18 hole events. US rapper, Macklemore, will provide the après golf entertainment when he premiers his new hit single, Old White Dudes.

Larry King, golfer

September Competition Results

Sunday, 3 September 2017. A warm early Spring day spoilt by winds gusting to 60 clicks. But never yet did a howling gale deter the hardy golfers of the region who gathered in their thousands, or somewhere near it, to contest the universally famous Wamboin Spring Trophy which, for over 30 years, has been sponsored by the Mason family. The sponsors decreed a three-club day, (one of which had to be a putter) decided by stroke play. And so, with a song on our lips and hope in our hearts we donned our cleated boots and set off into the untamed Wamboin savanna.

Back at base camp the acting captain welcomed our guests, David Shellard and the entire Urquhart clan lead by Colin and Sam (sorry, I didn’t get everyone’s name, I was concentrating on spelling Urquhart). Of course everybody wanted to talk about the forthcoming QPRC elections. Many had attended meet-the-candidates night to witness the tradition of putative politicians kissing hands and shaking babies and saying things like “can you hear me up the back?” (The correct answer is “yes, but I’m prepared to swap with someone who can’t”.) Amongst the many interesting presentations your correspondent, who admittedly had skin in the game, could sometimes detect a fine sprinkling of that great old fertiliser BOVINE SH-one-T. But it’s a tough gig with little love in the room. When I said to the person sitting next to me I thought one speaker had made a good point the terse response was “even an idiot can have a good idea”. The sensation of the night came when the chairperson announced that a candidate I won’t name was not an escaped convict; he had, in fact, served his full sentence. (That’s not true. I just threw it in to see if you were awake. Politics can be a bit tedious.) Thankfully conversation turned to the proliferation of the eastern grey kangaroo. There was much empathy with the measured and moderately-expressed views of our own Wamboin Muse.

Winners & Grinners
Joan & Keith

The googly ball went to David Shellard for staying on at the 19th in his Yellows after a call-out which was actually a pager broadcast about the next day’s expected fire weather. The dummy was passed around from Glen Crafter to Tim Barter via Keith France for various embarrassing displays of temperament on the course. The encouragement award went to the youngest Urquhart (Katie, I think). NTP and LD ball winners were Keith France 3, Pete Harrison 3, Sam Urquhart, Colin Urquhart, Ken Gordon and Tim Barter. The winner of the junior comp was Alex Gordon (Maddie was runner-up). Winner of the nine hole comp was Larry King with a nett 31 OCB from Glen Crafter. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Keith France 56 from Tim Barter 59.

Join us on Sunday, 1 October for the rollicking Oktoberfest Kompetition. We have ways of making you have fun. Be at the community hall at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm shotgun start.

Larry King, golfer

August Competition Results

Sunday 6 August. A cold blustery day. The brass monkeys were keeping local boilermaker, James Watt, busy unfreezing the old round objects. A rather ill-judged email, sent round the day before by the captain, may have had the effect of reducing numbers in the field by inviting the poltroonish to at least attend the 19th if they were intimidated by the weather. Your correspondent was one of the poltroons, the result of a surfeit of Schweineknochel and red wine the previous evening. The day was sponsored by the Tradies—Don, Henk, Trent and Col—chaps that can hammer in nails which don’t include the one on the thumb. We thank them for the useful prizes (adzes, planes, axes, screwdrivers, etc.) and the filling repast, especially Henk’s notorious pea and ham soup (ancient family recipe; killed every one on the Batavia).

Back at the Forge, a raging fire completed the work of Mr Watt’s oxy-welding equipment while the captain welcomed our guests, Al and Irene Packer, fine wool producers of Weeroona Drive. It was noted by many that the 46 mls of rain we received during the week only partially relieved the drought caused by the scandalous theft of water from the Murray-Darling basin up north. Reassured by the knowledge that Seve Bolero, local member and State leader of the Country Party, has the matter well in hand, we went on to marvel at the wizard japes going on at the Commonwealth Bank. Not only will the bank look after your money, they’ll now wash and iron it for you! Add that to the loot the bank trousered from its financial advisers and insurance policies and the cash rates-fixing adventure, it’s no wonder the share price is tanking. Someone, possibly that nice Mr Narev, may miss out on their bonus. Meanwhile, local green thumbed nurseryman, poor old Scotty Ludlum, lost his job just for being born in New Zealand. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Winners & Grinners
Tim & Don

The googly ball went to the mover of the motion that if you don’t play you don’t eat. He was ruled out of order. The dummy spit was awarded to Vicki Still who spoilt an otherwise creditable 18 holes by various tanties on the course. She also got the encouragement award (to encourage her to stop moaning and get on with it). The winner of the junior comp was Madison Gordon. The winner of the nine hole comp was Lofty Mason with 40 off the stick for a handicap-adjusted 27. Second was Joan Mason 42/30 OCB from Ken Gordon 3rd on 38/30. The 18 hole comp was won by Tim Barter 80/65. Runner-up was Paul Griffin 86/67 followed by Vicki Still in third place with 109/71. Well done, all!

Next month is September. (My, isn’t the year flashing past—just like Usain Bolt used to.) So join us at the Wamboin community hall on Sunday 3 September at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30 take-off when we will compete for the Spring Trophy. Should be a lot of fun; the sponsors, the family Mason, have decreed a three-club day and there will, of course, be Mme Mason’s famous spring rolls. WARNING: there will be citizenship check at the door. Those born in NZ, UK or Canada get in free.

Larry King, golfer

July Competition Results

Report pending...

Sunday, 2 July. Cold as a well digger’s knee. But bright sunshine and little or no wind. Perfect day for chasing the white, dimpled ball. The day was sponsored by the Antediluvian Order of Sailors and Airpersons. We extend our thanks to Tim Barter and Paul (and mainly Diana) Griffin for the prizes and refreshments at the 19th. The sponsors specified a Stableford competition but set off early without informing anyone else so the rest of us played Stroke.

Watergate

Back at the Hall the Captain eventually sorted it out, muttering dark imprecations into his beard. As he did so we all stood around playing the new Census Game: spot the non-believing 30 per cent. It’s harder than you think. Those pesky infidels look just like ordinary people. Anyway, when we tired of that we got back to deploring the state of national politics. For example, the Federal Watermelons (green on the outside, red on the inside) are having a real donnybrook with their NSW branch lead by that unruly Senator Rhiannon (must be a big fan of Fleetwood Mac). Meanwhile, Tony Rabbit, the former PM, known to his friends as the Bitter Lemon or Passion Fingers, is roaming the country firing off big ideas and generally demonstrating the benefits of an Oxford education. And Bill is sitting on his hands while Mal nicks some of his ideas. Bill still thinks he won the last bout on points just like Jeff Horn (who actually did). At the international level we could hardly wait for the meeting between Don the Equivocator and Vlad the Impaler. Your correspondent would have liked to have been amongst the press corps for that much-touted shirt fronting but the editor wouldn’t spring for the cost. Which is odd because he said I can go to Pyongyang any time I like. Ah well, another report from Mahogany Ridge coming up.

The captain welcomed our guests, Len Ivey from the Coast and Joanne and Sebastian Bach from Leipzig. Ted Evans reported on a classy wedding in Queanbeyan. Even the shotgun was painted white.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Lofty Mason for his feat of hitting four trees from the tee. You don’t get golf like that in the city. The dummy spit was awarded to Bernard Tomic for failing to put up with the crushing boredom of Wimbledon. Deb Gordon took out the encouragement award by walking the nine hole course with one of those walking sticks you can sit on.

Tim, Alex & Paul

LD and NTP ball winners were Alex Gordon 3 (Alex also won the NAGA. Hmm…), Ken Gordon 2, Charles Guscott, Larry King, Len Ivey and Paul Griffin. Winner of the junior nine hole comp was Madison Gordon (they’re all over the place aren’t they?) with 75 off the stick for a handicap-adjusted 40. The senior nine hole comp winner was Larry King 44/20, from Lofty Mason 50/37, with daylight 3rd. Charles Guscott took out first place in the 18 hole comp with 37 Stableford points from Pete Harrison 34 points, there followed by Len Ivey 32 points.

Next month’s comp will be sponsored by the Tradies, those clever clogs adept with hammers and screwdrivers and such. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm ICBM fired by our old mate, Kim Wrong-un.

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Report pending...

Sunday, 4 June. Winter. But that didn’t prevent a number of the region’s hardy denizens with reasonable hand-eye coordination from gathering at the community hall for the Wamboin Winter Whack sponsored by Matt O’Brien and Kevin Rowe. We thank both those ornaments of the local bush fire brigade for the prizes and eats at the 19th. And talking about prizes, you’ll never guess who agreed to present them this month. No, not Margaret Court. Someone less controversial—Schapelle Corby! At least we think it was Schapelle. We’re pretty sure we invited her, but the woman who turned up was covered from head to toe in a hessian bag. It could have been a case of mistaken identity, like when a humble KGB cipher clerk, Donalovitch Trumpski changed his name by deed poll (according to the FBI) and went on to become the Great Equivocator.

Panorama

Back at Kerobokan-on-Bingley, your correspondent tried to get a few quotable quotes for the Whisper from our guest of honour– seeing how we’d scooped the mass media – but all she muttered was “in a minute” or “sixty minutes” or something and then she was off like a baggie of Acapulco Gold in the sun. The acting captain welcomed our guests, Logan Robinson, Emile and Gorgon Zola, as well as Ivan and Anna Felactic. Ted Evans played a game with everyone’s nick names.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Matt O’Brien for his breach of golfing etiquette by mendaciously falling over while another player was addressing the ball. In yet another travesty of justice your correspondent got the dummy spit award for complaining that he was struck by Deb Gordon’s ball. He was accused – get this – of misogyny and chauvinism. Bring back the glass ceiling, I say!

Paul & Kev

The encouragement award went to Alex Gordon for playing his first 18 hole comp. LD and NTP ball winners were Ken Gordon 3, Pete Harrison 2, Larry King, Joan Mason, Logan Beckett and Paul Griffin. The junior comp was won by Logan Beckett with 48 off the stick and 30 after adjustment for handicap. The nine hole comp was taken out by Lofty Mason 40/25 from Ian Picker 45/31, with the homicidal Deb Gordon 50/31 in third place. The winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 80/60 from runner-up Pete Harrison 99/62, followed by Ken Gordon 74/64.

The sponsors of next month’s comp will be the Old Sailors and Airmen. So join us at the community hall on Sunday 2 July at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm blast off. The five new holes are still a bit raw but we understand that the cost of the landscaping will be covered by the flood of Chinese cash that’s washing around Australia at the moment – when we can prise some away from Malcolm and Bill.

Larry King, golfer

May Competition Results

Keith & Kathy

Sunday, 7 May 2017. A red letter day for the R & A Wamboin GC. We commissioned five new holes—eat your liver, Queanbeyan GC! The holes are on the property of Keith France and Kathy Handel who sponsored the day. Not their usual EOFY-add-10%-to-your-handicap nonsense but a genuine Stableford competition to welcome the new part of the course. We thank them not only for the prizes and refreshments but also their generosity in helping the club plan for the future by making their property available.

Panorama

Back at the Hall after the usual four hours of elation, despondency and profanity, conversation turned to the vexing, and slightly worrying question of whether the darn old Trumpet would rain nukes on Kim Wrong-un, Grand Imperial Haircut of North Korea, and what it would mean for the rest of us. No one knew. And we soon lost interest when it was pointed out that Ponce de Leon was not only the first governor of Spanish Puerto Rico but also discovered Florida. No, your correspondent didn’t know that either. But it struck him forcibly, if sadly, that you rarely ever meet anyone called Ponce these days. When was the last time this august journal of record reported that ”raw-boned loose forward, Ponce O’Shaunessy, scored two tries in the Mudchooks’ victory over the Bushpigs”? Or “William Ponce McGillicuddy was arrested in Norton Road for being six times over the limit”? Or “young Ponce Smithsonian won the maths prize at Bungendore Primary”. It doesn’t happen does it? Whatever became of such grand old names? (Don’t write in. I’ve got a feeling we all know the answer.)

Winners & Grinners
Tribute

After the captain welcomed our guests, Ponce and Viola di Gamba (just kidding), he complimented local cartographer, Neville “Mercator” Schroder for the beautiful maps of the new course which saved us from wandering, Moses-like, in the French wilderness. Ted Evans and his straight man then paid a moving tribute to two men, one sadly dead and one very much alive: the late John Clarke and the early Pete Harrison. The Googly Ball was thrown around a bit before it was awarded to the person who played three shots with Ken Gordon’s ball before returning it to him. The Dummy went to John Whitney for drawing attention to some of the blemishes on the new holes. His defence of “constructive suggestion” was deemed invalid under new rule 8: each complaint about the state of the course is penalised one beer to the greenkeeper. We all joined with Tim Barter in deploring the lapse in standards by the Wamboin Whisper in publishing obscene photos of horses. Where it would end, we asked.

Keith & Kathy

NTP and LD ball winners were Pete Harrison 3, Ken Gordon 2, John Whitney, Lofty Mason, Keith France, Vicki Still and Tim Barter. The junior winner was Phoebe Beckett. The 9 hole comp was taken out by Lofty Mason with 17 Stableford points from Larry King on 14 and Joan Mason on 12. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 40 on a count back from John Whitney. Our moral crusader, Tim Barter, was 3rd on 38. Join us at the Wamboin Community Hall next month on Sunday, 4 June at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm pyrotechnic when we once again bring first class golf to the region. Meanwhile try this on your friends: What’s the difference between POTUS and the US fauna emblem? Answer: They’re both bald but one hides it better than the other.

Larry King, golfer

April Competition Results

Sunday 2 April 2017. The Masters. Not that cheap, tawdry thing they have in Augusta GA, but the real thing – the Wamboin Mini Masters, famed in song and story. In case you’re unfamiliar with this great sporting event, here’s how it works.

Vicki

Of the 18 picturesque holes of this PGA status course, only six are in play: Firebreak Five, Pine Slice, Short-and-Sweet, Saddle Up, Ron’s Dam (or damn) Hole and Shep’s High Drive. All players—men, women, children, domestic animals and passing aliens—play those holes then return to the Hall where the tournament officials determine who has made the cut. Then we play the same holes again to sort out who wears the Grimy Jacket.

Joan

Got it? But wait, there’s more! At the Hall the novelty shots are played, viz: closest to the pin standing on a tyre, a ramp, in a sand box and with one arm. (No, not simultaneously, you idiot!) Everyone must do this. No churlish backsliding is accepted. The hilarity engendered defies description.

Scott

The day, a beautiful mild Autumn one, was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association. We thank that august body for the prizes and refreshments. And we acknowledge the catering skills of acting president, Peter Evans. The acting captain welcomed our guests, Scott and Lila Mason, on the chicken run from the big circular wind ‘oop North. The Googly Ball went to Cyclone Debbie (Deb Gordon) after it was taken off Charles Guscott for spitting the dummy having played the shot of lifetime on a hole not in play! Ted Evans resolved that age-old issue of how long is a piece of string: if you cut off both ends it’s endless. While club officials sorted out the scores, we all marvelled at the startling, new QPR logo, based on the Rorschach Test. (Not to be confused with the Raw Prawn Test.) Your correspondent blushes to admit to what he sees when he looks at it. Anyway, congratulations to our hard-working Administrator, Mr Timothy Working Trousers, for thinking it up.

Winners & Grinners
Don

But now the results. Encouragement awards went to Lila Mason and Phoebe Beckett. The Pitching Comp winners were: NTP ramp, Scott Mason 1.7 metres; NTP tyre, Scott Mason 6.4m; NTP one hand, Scott Mason 6.6m (he’s very good with one hand); NTP bunker, Tim Barter 5.3m and best overall (not Tim) pitcher with an aggregate 24.7m - yes, you guessed it. The handicap comp winner was Pete Harrison with 71 strokes for a net 45 from runner-up, the ubiquitous Scott Mason 55/46. The junior master was Mads Gordon with 48 strokes over six holes. The Masters runner-up was Tim Barter on 51. And as the hautboys and sackbuts sound an alarum it can be revealed that the 2017 Wamboin Master, resplendent in a jacket of indefinite hue, is Ken Gordon on 50 strokes.

Next month the day will be sponsored by the Ancient Mariners and Sky Pilots Association so please join us at the Wamboin Community Hall on Sunday 7 May at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, to set the record straight, your correspondent did not say that the White House was occupied by an underclass of social degenerates led by a lying guttersnipe. I just thought it. Alright, sometimes I think out loud. But, either way, they can’t do you for thinking. Yet.

Larry King, golfer.

05-06-2017