Wamboin Community Association

Golf

Wamboin has a somewhat different golf course where the 18 fairways are spread over five properties and the Bingley Way Community Centre. All putting surfaces on our golf course are sand greens.

On the first Sunday of each month we meet at the Community Hall in Bingley Way (at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm start) to sort out the competition. First time golfers and children are welcome to try their skills. We hit off on different holes to ensure a more even finish time.

Then it is back to the hall where tall stories and presentations are mixed with nibblies and drinks. Partners, friends and relatives of the golfers also join in this social activity.

Contact

Peter Greenwood  6238 3358


November Competition Results

Sunday, 4 November. There’s the Australian Open, the US Open and the British Open but they are all barely discernible in the umbra of the Wamboin Open, hotly contested every November. It was a warm and pleasant day which suited the thousands thronging the short rough flanking the fairways to watch the cream of the region’s golfers vying for immortality. There were two competitions in each of the nine and 18 hole divisions: handicap and gross. The day was sponsored by the Wamboin GC itself and we thank the club for the prizes and refreshments. After having the rules and etiquette of the game explained to them by joint acting captain, Deb Gordon, contestants loaded their shootin’ irons and headed out onto the field of battle.

Finn's Spotties'

After we handed in our cards back at barracks joint acting captain, Ken Gordon, sorted truth from fiction as talk turned to the vexed question of inappropriate street and place names, the current hot issue. Take Malbon Street in the heart of this earthly paradise’s capital city, Bungendore. It’s made up of two French words, mal meaning bad and bon meaning good. Who could live comfortably on Goodbad Street? A Street that can’t seem to make up its mind on how it feels (like Crookwell). Why not rename it Verygood Street? Or we could keep the French theme and call it Rue Tres Bon which seems appropriate. Then there’s Ellendon Street. The local historical society is pretty sure it’s named after Ellen and Don someone-or-other but who they were is lost in antiquity, making it an unsatisfactory address for people who like things cut and dried. And the word Bungendore itself sounds like someone out of J K Rolling’s imagination. Your correspondent has previously reported on the derivation of Norton Road, a corruption of "nought on" meaning naked, which has upset those who like to go fully clothed. Let’s hope the Queens Park Rangers can solve these dilemmas to everyone’s satisfaction.

Winners & Grinners

Jt A/g capt called us to order by tendering an apology from Dr Brengun Nelson (brother of Half Nelson) who was still working out how to spend $½ billion on the new AWM Theme Park. Ted Evans brought us up to date with goings-on in the thriving metrolops of Queanbeyan.

Lofty Mason and your correspondent scored the Googly Ball for (a) slowing the game by stopping to watch two shingle backs making little shinglebacks (it’s not as exciting as you’d think) and (b) restoring the Rob Gorham Perpetual Dummy Spit to the trophy cabinet at Rob’s request. Dummy spit of the day went to Joan “not me again!” Mason. LD and NTP ball winners were Colin Urquhart x 3, John Whitney x 2, Tim Barter, Ken Gordon, Joan Mason and Pete Harrison.

Champ

Junior champion was Madison Gordon with a net 26. Junior encouragement award winners were Phoebe Beckett and Alex Gordon.

Winner of the nine hole eclectic was Joan Mason while the 18 hole eclectic was taken out by Tim Barter.

The club champion (nine holes net) was Ken Gordon 37/33 from Lofty Mason 47/35 and Deb Gordon 3rd 53/36. The club champion (18 holes net) was Colin Urquhart 88/52 from Paul Griffin 79/62 and John Whitney 3rd 79/64.

Now the crowd is hushed as the Jt A/g Capts announce the names of the Open Champions. And they are: Ladies Open Champion (nine holes), Joan Mason 42; Men’s Open Champion (18 holes), Tim Barter 73. Congratulations to our worthy winners and all who took part.

Next month is the Christmas Medal. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm sleigh bell. And watch out for cane toads. They’re coming this way.

Larry King, golfer

October Competition Results

Sunday, 7 October. Another day another royal commission. Aged care, gender quotas in politics, bullying and sexual harassment, climate change—specifically the relationship between greenhouse gas, energy prices, the reliable energy target and an emissions trading scheme—and, of course, what to do with the ABC (how to retard its relentless and unreasoning insistence on independence, factual depth and even handedness). Your correspondent understands from sources close to SloMo and BulSho, that all inquiries will be completed in time to have sensible, bipartisan policies in place before the federal election around May next year. Can’t wait. And, in fact, I won’t.

Ron's Dam Hole

Where was I? Ah yes. 7 October. A superb day for motor sport (Bathurst, Japan and Thailand) and, naturally, the Wamboin Oktoberfest Monthly Medal. Sunny, crisp, a light breeze. The day was sponsored by L & L King whom we thank for the prizes and eats. The order of the day was for stroke play rather than the fiendish Stableford system and so with the stench of high octane and burning rubber in our nostrils we set off down Con Rod Straight, hearts aflutter.

Back in Pit Lane while we carefully picked the needles out of the strawberries we discussed the poor man’s royal commission into the “culture” of the ACT’s peerless health system. The general consensus was that that there was no culture to speak of. Very few within the system could tell you if it was Mozart or Beethoven who painted the Mona Lisa. (It was Beethoven. Mozart invented the Stradivarius, a kind of ukulele you play with a stick.) The captain introduced our guests Ben, Skye and Jennifer from across the road and Klymut and Astrid Denier from Paris. Ted Evans took time out from looking for a couple of carers for SloMo’s disabled aunty to tell the story of the senator and the cow.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Joan Mason who lost her pencil but signed the NTP marker at the Hall with a piece of charcoal from the remains of the bonfire. The dummy spit award was presented to Glen Crafter for uncivil language after breaking the head off his driver. Glen was then able to pass it on to Joan Mason who failed to submit a card but complained about missing out on a prize which “she would have won”. NTP and LD ball winners were Paul Griffin x 2, Vicki Still, Tim Barter, Pete Harrison and Colin Urquhart.

Prizegiving

The winner of the nine hole comp was Lofty Mason 50/39. One of the sponsors came second but modesty prevents me from revealing his identity. In any event the strict rules at Wamboin GC exclude him from the prize-getters. Keith France took out the 18 hole comp 74/60 from Vicki Still 87/62 with Paul Griffin in 3rd place 81/64.

Next month will feature the 33rd annual Wamboin Open, the very apogee, zenith, apex and summit of golf. Join us at the community hall on Sunday, 4 November at 12.15pm for the always dependable 12.30pm start. We asked Gladys Berejiklian to present the prizes but have been informed that she will be busy painting a portrait of Winx on the sails of the Opera House.

Larry King, golfer

September Competition Results

Sunday, 2 September. A typical Wamboin Spring day: satyrs chasing nymphs through the woodland valleys; faeries dancing around mushrooms in the dells; unicorns gamboling in the bluebell woods; Frederick McCubbin painting sylphides frolicking in billabongs to the strains of music by Leo Delibes. In other words, the usual thing and just the day for the Spring Trophy, sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason whom we thank for the sustaining fare—especially Joan’s famous Spring Rolls—and the floral prizes. The sponsors declared a three-club day determined by stroke play. And so, with Pan Pipes fluting gaily in the scented air, we mounted our iron centaurs and dashed into the fray.

Watergate

Back at the Colorbond Castle we settled in for a good old gripe about The Great Steam-driven Fiasco which recently gummed up the workings of federal parliament. In case you missed it I’ll briefly summarise. The embittered and passion-fingered former PM, Tony Rabbit, “masterminded” an insurrection against that nice, mild-mannered Malcolm Turnbull, the Neville Chamberlain of Australian politics. It seems Mr Rabbit wanted to replace Mr Turnbull with a potato. (Don’t ask. I don’t know why and nor does anyone else.) It didn’t work. Spud didn’t get up but Turnbull resigned anyway (just like Chamberlain did in 1940—you can’t appease a bully) and was replaced by someone called J-Lo or Flo-Jo or Mojo. But it’s OK, everything’s back to normal now. Furthermore it’s not true that Mr Rabbit is entirely useless as the left-leaning media assert. At least he can serve as a bad example.

Winners & Grinners

The captain moved a vote of sympathy for Lofty who had succumbed to an upper respiratory tract infection. (We understand he is enjoying the Very Best of care.) He then welcomed our guests, Tim Nelson, Lee Beamont, Chris Shaw and Adam and Irene Inerby from just outside Cooma. Ted Evans gave us a geography lesson about the Pakistani border. The googly ball went to Vicki Still who played with a pink ball and an orange ball and was able to lose both in the dense Wamboin rain forest. The dummy spit was again awarded to Tim Barter who had to be restrained for persistent sledging. The encouragement award went to Lee Beamont playing her first game at Wamboin. NTP and LD ball winners were Dean Joy x 3, Pete Harrison x 2, Chris Shaw, Ken Gordon, Glen Crafter and Kyle Griffin.

Deb & Joan

Winner of the junior nine hole comp was Alex Gordon with 53 strokes for a net 35 after adjustment for handicap. Runner-up was Phoebe Beckett 82/42. Senior nine hole comp winner was Deb Gordon 53/36 from Ken Gordon 43/39. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 81/63 from Tim Barter 73/64. Congratulations to all who part.

Join us for another bucolic golf day on Sunday, 7 October (clocks forward). We look forward to seeing you at the Community Hall in Bingley Way at 12.15pm for the customary 12.30 pm start. If you need someone to look after the kids give me a call and I’ll have a quiet word with my old mate Peter Tuber MP, Minister for Home Duties, who’ll have an au pair on a tourist visa around to your place quick smart.

Larry King, golfer

August Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 5 August. A clear blue sky and a slight breeze. Or so they tell me. Your correspondent had come down with what the President of Iran would call the Mother of all Lurgies. Thus he must rely on hearsay for what took place on the course. But naturally he struggled from his sick bed (like Plunkett in 1916) to attend the 19th. The day was sponsored by the Tradies, people who know one end of a hammer from the other. (One has a steel knob with ears and one hasn’t). Stroke play adjusted for handicap was the order of the day.

Memorial Drive

Back at the workshop Henk (mechanical) prepared his famous pea and ham soup while Don (plumbing & gasfitting) and Trent (electrical) heated the party pies. Apologies and moral support from Col (automotive) up in the snow. Meanwhile, we all relived National Poltroon’s European Holiday. You remember: it was the foreign affairs triumph of that great American wind instrument, Donald Trumpet – known to his friends as POTUS (poltroon of the US) - when he bravely wandered blindly through UK politics after courageously upsetting his NATO mates, and then cravenly waggled a spongy finger at his new bestie, Vlad the Slippery, for annexing Crimea, overrunning Ukraine, taking down MH 17, novichoking UK citizens, hacking foreign governments and businesses and interfering in foreign elections. “Not me” said Vlad and Ol’ Windbag bought it. The free world’s in the very best of hands.

The captain, fresh from his soporific trip on the Ghan from Darwin to Adelaide, welcomed our guests, a couple of chalkies, Alma and John Mater, as well as Col Listermann and Mel Iluka from the botanical gardens. Ted Evans took us for a trip down memory lane from his days as a citrus reticulata in the public service. The googly ball went to Lofty Mason for some aspect of his wife’s play which he was not game to describe. His continued refusal to explain earned him the dummy spit award. Poltroonery is clearly in the air.

Winners & Grinners
Winners

NTB and LD ball winners were Ken Gordon x 3, Vicki Still x 2, Colin Urquhart, Joan Mason and Paul Griffin. The junior comp winner was Alex Gordon from his sister Madz. The nine hole first placegetter was Samantha Urquhart 65/30 from Lofty Mason 45/33 and Deb Gordon 51/34. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Pete Harrison who played out of his skin to record a Ned Kelly-ish 86/56 and was last seen hurriedly leaving town covered in tar and feathers. With the Wamboin Open coming up soon, Pete obviously doesn’t understand the concept of handicap maintenance! Runner-up was Ken Gordon whose 68 strokes for a handicap-adjusted 58 equalled the course record held by Tim Barter. In 3rd place was Paul Griffin 82/63. Well done all!

For those still in hibernation, the next month is September. Officially it will be Spring, which is when the R & A Wamboin GC mounts its famous Spring Trophy. So show some courage. Thumb your nose at Putin and join us at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start.

Larry King, golfer

July Competition Results

The GST Anniversary Handicap

Sunday, 1 July. A beautiful Winter’s day. Crisp and cold with a gentle breeze under a clear blue sky. An obvious day for golf, you would have said. But wait. What is this horror about to descend upon us like a succubus (or incubus – I can never tell the difference)? Is it a horde of Philippino basketballers? Or a sumasshedshaya banda of Russian soccer fans? No, it’s the demonic handicapping system for the GST Anniversary Handicap.

Donkey of Finn

It works like this: each team of two adds ten per cent to their combined handicaps and divides by four – or something. I know what you’re thinking: what evil mind dreamt that up? Well, meet my old mate Keith France, accountant and co-sponsor of the day’s play. Fortunately the countervailing factor is the other co-sponsor, Kathy Handel. We thank them both, but mainly Kathy, for the food and wearable prizes.

Back at base, while the captain struggled with the score cards, there were many issues to probe as we all adjusted for fluid loss. For example, the meeting of the Great Equivocator with Kung Fu Panda; the soccer world cup being hotly contested by B grade actors (e.g., that Brazilian guy with the sore ankle) in the Soviet Union/USSR/CCCP/Russia/all of the above; Scomo’s great GST fix (if anyone can explain it, let me know. My reading is it goes to 15.27% and Tasmania misses out); the despicable practice of slut-shaming reflecting the decline of parliamentary standards; the looming penumbra of democracy (just never got off the ground in some places); the Cartier exhibition at the NGA. Your correspondent attended the latter and was impressed by the standard of personal adornment one can achieve if one has considerably more money than one requires. And yet I couldn’t suppress the unworthy thought that the baubles were akin to the lamb chop hung around the neck of an unprepossessing child so that the dog would play with him.

Winners & Grinners

The captain introduced our guests, Glen and Siobhan Fiddick, all the way from Scotland. Ted Evans made the pilgrimage with news from Queanbeyan. In a rare quinella the googly ball and the dummy spit award went to the same person, Alex Gordon (dobbed in by his mother). NTP and LD ball winners were Keith France x 2, Vicki Still, Ken Gordon and Pete Harrison.

Winners

The nine hole comp was won by the team of Vicki Still and Larry King on 29.9 strokes after handicap, from Deb and Alex Gordon 32.7 and Joan and Lofty Mason in 3rd place with 35.6. The 19 hole comp was taken out by the team of Ken Gordon and Pete Harrison 60.0 from runners-up Keith France and John Whitney 63.025.

The August comp will be sponsored by the Tradies, people who have found uses for their opposed thumbs other than for texting and Grand Theft Auto. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 5 August for the usual 12.30pm start. Feel free to wear your tiara.

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Windsor Castle, Sunday 3 June. The Editor sent your correspondent to Royalla to report on the Lundy wedding but due to a communication breakdown he went to London to report on the royal wedding. Hence this belated coverage of the June EOFY Pennant, sponsored by the Urquhart and Beckett families whom we thank for the calories and loot. Apparently it was a fine Winter’s day in Wamboin which produced a vast field of finely-tuned athletes who took to the hills and dales of this earthly paradise brandishing equipment made famous by Mary Queen of Scots.

Shep's High Drive

Back at the Tower your correspondent was able to provide hitherto unreported details of the marriage of ageing private detective, Miss Marple, to Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. The nuptials took place in a draughty chapel attached to HM the Q’s humble little weekender outside London. In true gate-crashing tradition I elbowed aside the grace-and-favour mob and all those uppity A Listers to snag a seat upfront next to an old chap with dark circles under his eyes, sipping from a hip flask. He looked about a hundred but was prepared to share his tipple so an enjoyable half hour was spent giggling at the silly hats.

The crowd was anxious to see Miss Marple’s dress which had occasioned much speculation in the media. My new buddy and I were hoping for Priscilla, Queen of the Desert meets early Kardashian but she rolled up in something quite simple by da Vinci. Some commented on her train. Surely the groom’s family was rich enough to spring for a car. Some of these aristocrats are closer than a dead heat. The Prince and his best man (his brother, W D & H O Wills) wore navy blue uniforms (obviously Carlton fans). Hamlet was torn between his brother and his close friend, Tobias Smollett, for best man (“Toby or not Toby, that is the question”). Wills was cranky. He had already been booked to hand over the FA Cup at Wembley that afternoon. He thought that a royal wedding on the pitch at halftime would enable him to see the game and give the spectators some unforgettable halftime entertainment. Certainly better than Meatloaf.

Winners & Grinners
Winners

The captain cut short the eloquent flow by welcoming our guests, Rhoda and Jack Dendrin, fresh from the Chelsea flower show. The googly ball went to Tim Barter for a bad shot that turned out better than it deserved. The dummy spit award was shared by Tim and Alex Gordon. Madison Gordon again won the encouragement award. NTP and LD ball winners were Glen Crafter x 2, Tim Barter x 2, Alex Gordon, Deb Gordon, Colin Urquhart, and Vicki Still (playing in one gumboot).

Junior comp winner was Phoebe Beckett. Winner of the nine hole comp was Sam Urquhart 50/25 from runner-up Glen Crafter 37/28. The 18 hole comp was taken out by the old firm (“old firm what?” I hear you cry) of Vicki Still 89/63 from Tim Barter 72/64.

On Sunday, 1 July the Wamboin GC will host the annual GST Anniversary T Shirt when we all add ten per cent to our handicaps. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm for the customary 12.30 pm shotgun start.

Larry King, golfer

May Competition Results

The Sailors' and Airmen's Trophy

Sunday, 6 May. My old mate Bill Shakespeare, the well-known local thespian and theatrical impresario, said to me as follows: “Larry, old pal, as it fell upon a day in the merry month of May, sitting in a pleasant shade which a grove of myrtles made, beasts did leap and birds did sing, trees did grow and plants did spring…” I said “hold it right there, Shakers old sport. You’re thinking of the Northern hemisphere.” To which he replied “so why are you playing golf in a T-shirt?” He had me there. If not for Autumn’s golden gown it could have been a beautiful Spring day for the annual R&A Wamboin May Day Spectacular, sponsored by the Ancient Mariner (T Barter) and the Intrepid Birdman (P Griffin) whom we thank for the prizes and sustenance (although much of the work was done by the Intrepid Bird woman, Diana). The sponsors decreed stroke play so with a song on our lips we set off into the wide blue yonder.

Saddle Up

Back at the old tin shed, while the captain endeavored to sort the lies from the equivocations on the score cards, we discussed Budget. There was general agreement that a federal Budget of any hue is a taxonomy (get it?) of the things that will never happen. Just a few examples: the Budget will attain surplus at a specified date (translation - when hell freezes); all battlers will get a tax cut (translation – all those who fought in the Boer War will get a tax cut); more money will be spent on R&D (translation – we’re going to search and destroy all those pesky dual citizens); no banker will be living in poverty by 2019 (OK, so that one got through). Talking about bankers, we were all mightily amused at the treatment handed out to those minders of our money including AMP (not to be confused with the first one in the morning). Pugnacious royal commissioner, Jarryd Hayne, fresh from his gridiron experience, is really “sacking” the quarterbacks and wide receivers of the finance world. Keep it up Jarryd. Don’t take a backward step.

Winners
Winners & Grinners

The captain introduced our visitors Bruce and Kerry Ilosis and the Lomond brothers Ben and Lach. The googly ball went to Ted Evans who read a letter from a female member of the ADF. The dummy spit award was won by the captain for his rant about players and markers signing score cards. LD and NTP ball winners were Alex Gordon, Tim Barter x 3, Dean Joy, Vicki Still, Pete Harrison, Kyle Griffin x 2 and Ken Gordon.

Grinners

The encouragement award went to Alex Gordon for a creditable 47/23. Winner of the nine hole comp was Deb Gordon 50/30, playing in a fivesome which included three juniors (the woman’s a saint!) from Ken Gordon 36/31 in a separate foursome. I’ll bet he copped it when he got home. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Kyle Griffin 100/61 from runner-up Vicki Still 91/66.

Next month, June, join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 3 June for the EOFY Handicap (your handicap minus the square root of your tax cut in 2018-19 to the 6th decimal point) kicking off at 12.30pm.

Larry King, golfer

April Competition Results

The Wamboin Mini Masters

Sunday, 1 April. No joke. A beautiful day which apparently saw the concurrence of Easter Sunday, April Fools day and the end of daylight saving – a coincidence as rare as Halley’s Comet. And, of course, the Wamboin Mini Masters, famed in song and story. It’s played in two rounds, each of six holes - the first to see who makes the cut. Competition is determined on stroke play with handicap and open divisions. The open winner gets a real green (well it used to be green) jacket, just like the ones they give out at Augusta National, except you’ve got to hand it back afterwards. There’s also the NTP novelty shots but we’ll save them for later. The Mini Masters is sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association, represented on the day by Palerang Mayor-in-perpetuity, Pete Harrison. We thank the WCA for the post-game food and prizes.

Saddle Up

Back at the clubhouse, while the acting captain coaxed the computer into revealing the names of the place getters, we all bemoaned the end of the world as we knew it as a result of the appalling treatment of our upright Australian cricketers, just for making certain necessary adjustments to the surface of the ball to ensure a better and faster game. But it’s an ill wind etc, etc. For every unctuous hand-wringer there are probably a dozen pubescent youths sniggering about the evocative term “ball tampering”.

Winners

The acting captain then welcomed our guest-of-honour, Mr Potus Trumpet, and invited him to present he prizes. That honour was to have gone to the QPR Mayor who was recently outed as a former member of the Liberal Party and thus ineligible: Wamboin GC rules exclude anyone with strong political convictions from officiating. So it was either Mr Trumpet or that vigilant guardian of your privacy, Mr Dark Suckerberg, boss of social media engine, MugShot. The googly ball was awarded to Joan Mason for the remarkable feat of driving over Shep’s Dam but still landing in the water. She accomplished this by hitting a stump on the other side. That’s golf at Wamboin, folks. The dummy was passed around from Tim Barter (general whingeing) to Joan Mason (specific whingeing – Shep’s dam refers).

Grinners

The winner of the handicap division was Vicki Still 70/53 from Runner-up Larry King 70/57. The winner of the Wamboin Mini Masters for 2018 was Tim Barter with 53 strokes from Paul Griffin on 58. It was another good day for Tim who won the NTP Novelty with an aggregate 38.2 metres from Paul 44.5. There are four obstacles: standing on a ramp; then on a tyre; one-handed; in a bunker. You can believe your correspondent when he says that the ramp and the tyre leave you feeling as precarious as a Russian spy delivering a handful of nerve agent. Next month is the merry month of May. The Commonwealth Games will be over and we can concentrate on the only sport at which you can’t cheat – apart from moving your ball or your opponent’s, treading on your opponent’s ball, dropping your bag during your opponent’s back swing, over-shadowing the cup when your opponent is putting and a thousand other things we just don’t do because it just isn’t cricket! So join us at the hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 May for the well-known 12.30pm start.

Larry King, golfer

Winners & Grinners

March Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 4 March. Your correspondent had a strange dream last night. I dreamt I was in Sydney, sitting up front in St Mary’s cathedral listening to the King’s Singers (no relation) all the way from King’s College (not mine), Cambridge. Next door the LGBTIQ community were having their annual Coming Out Party, known as the G&L Mardi Gras. The church’s first female bishop was leading the parade on a float bedecked in precious jewels which she was throwing to the crowd (they clearly weren’t hers) who were shouting “Jewelry, Bishop! Jewelry, Bishop!” I was about to trouser a diamond the size of the Koh-I-Noor when a large uncouth individual wearing jockey shorts and an over-sized Akubra leaped off the float of the Gay Farmers of New England and ripped it from my hand, screaming “What about my unborn child!” At that point I awoke, regretting the cassoulet of green apples, curried eggs and baked beans I had consumed the night before. All of which explains why I didn’t make the monthly Wamboin golf day and this report comes to you second hand.

Donkey of Finn

The day was sponsored by Ken and Deb Gordon and their vivacious children whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments. Play was deemed to be on the Stableford scoring system, so with a muttered oath or two from the mathematically challenged, golfers of the region girded their loins (not a pretty sight) and set off into the heart of darkness as my old mate, Joe Conrad, would have it.

Watergate

Back at the disco, as we all danced to the rhythms of Bronski Beat and marveled at the magical a cappella sound of the The Nylons (who could have given the Kings Singers a run for their money), discussion turned to the meltdown by QPR Councilor Malaria Hash, the Calamity Jane of local politics. Seems she has been casting aspersions on the staff of The Dear Leader, Kim Working Trousers, whose missile program is going great guns and has already taken out Clean Up Australia Day in the outlying regions of our hermit state. The captain called us to order by welcoming our guests, Gerhard Ryan and Katie and Samantha. Ted Evans celebrated his birthday by pointing dramatically to his new golf shoes.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball was awarded to Vick Still and the dummy spit went to Tim Barter (details redacted under privacy law). NTP and LD ball winners were Colin Urquhart x 2, Tim Barter x 2, Ken Gordon, Deb Gordon, Gerhard Ryan, Pete Harrison and Paul Griffin.

Phoebe Beckett took out the juniors’ prize. Winner of the nine hole competition was Joan Mason on 21 Stableford points from runner-up Colin Urquhart 20 followed by Samuel Urquhart 16 OCB. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 38, from Gerhard Ryan 37 and Vicki still in 3rd place on 35.

Next month is April. Green fees will be waived for the first reader to correctly identify whether T S Eliot said it was (a) the cruelest month (b) the only month starting with A (c) the only month with 28 days. But the most important thing about April is that it’s the month of the Wamboin Mini Masters – the most fun you can have standing up with a golf club in your hand. So why not join us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 1 April at the community hall for the usual 12.30pm start. There will be enough of us golfing April fools present to give you all the camouflage you need.

Larry King, golfer.

February Competition Results

Sunday, 4 February, very warm, like the greeting a foreign donor gets from a political party. Despite the breaking news of the serious security SNAFU embroiling the Wamboin Golf Club (more later), a pleasing number of finally-tuned athletes rolled up for the February liver-cleansing comp sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families, whom we thank for the healthy eats offset by the countervailing prizes.

Weepers Drive

Stroke play was the order of the day and with a song in our hearts we struck out for various parts of the manicured Wamboin course with our ears pricked for the sound of the trusty 410 shotgun which would signal the beginning of hostilities.

Back at base, talk turned to the scandalous breach of security referred to above. In case you’re not across it, let me summarise. A number of the club’s filing cabinets containing files classified TOP SECRET and AUSTEO (something to do with Panadol) were removed from club premises and found their way into the hands of the Australian Bolshevik Comintern (ABC). Instead of immediately returning them to the club, the ABC broadcast scurrilous reports of a confidential proposal to radically reduce the handicaps of junior players. In the event, the club decided not to go ahead with the idea but both ABC News and 1930hours (presented by that talented inquisitor, Red Sails) made it their lead story for the week. In other words, a story about something that didn’t happen!

Donkey of Finn

At least they got something right when they correctly reported ABS analysis of data confirming the global death rate had remained stable at 100%. The captain noted that if you torture a statistic long enough it’ll confess to anything. He then welcomed our guests Jen Cass, David Major, Lee Beamont and Timothy Nelson.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball was awarded to one of the club’s junior greenkeepers for getting his car locked in at Ron’s Dam Hole. The dummy spit went to his wife who complained—some thought reasonably—of the resulting inconvenience. After an absence, Ted Evans brought us up to date with the goings-on in Queanbeyan.

Grinners

The encouragement award went to Tim Nelson. The junior comp was won by Madz Gordon with 25 strokes from Alex Gordon and Phoebe Beckett. NTP and LD ball winners were Glenn Crafter 3, Vicki Still 2, Ken Gordon, Jen Cass, Keith France and Tim Barter. It was a tie in the senior nine hole comp with Deb Gordon 49 and Ken Gordon 35 both equal on 30 after handicap. (The captain was wise enough not to separate them on count back.) The senior 18 hole comp was taken out by Glenn Crafter 79/53 from runner-up Vicki Still 86/54.

Next month will be March according to the magnetic calendar on your correspondent’s fridge door. We look forward to all you mad March hares joining us at 12.15pm at the Wamboin community hall on Sunday, 4 March for the 12.30pm signal to begin another essay at that enjoyable but frustrating game invented by the fiendish Pictish people.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

Sunday, 7 January. A bloody hot day. I think it got to 39 or 40 at the airport. But up here in God’s Own it was a couple of degrees cooler, for what that was worth. The clever clogs played early in the morning but even then they had a glimpse of how Dante saw his jolly old Inferno.

Up the Creek

The day was to be sponsored by Wyagiba Trading but that walking pathology museum, Dave Hubbard, who had a challenging 2017, had an even rockier start to the New Year. Ever the golfer, he had the presence of mind to call the captain from his hospital bed as they prepared him for the theatre (and I’m not talking about the Capitol in Manuka) to register an apology. We wish him the best including a snappy recovery. Into the breach stepped Joan Mason and Peter Greenwood whom we thank for the last minute eats and prizes. In keeping with the club’s traditional response to extremes of temperature, play was restricted to a nine hole Stableford event, limited to three clubs. Uttering prayers to Ra we stumbled out into the hangi pit of the day.

Hall NTP

Back at the 19th the talk turned to the latest efforts of that “stable genius”, Donald Trumpet. Some thought it was a misprint: he meant stable genesis, referring to his happy upbringing. Others thought he meant table genius, meaning he could clear a table of cheese burgers in 60 seconds. But most agreed he meant what he said: he was a genius compared to the other horses in the stable. Which adds up when you consider his uncanny similarity to the back end of a horse including the tail.

Winners & Grinners

Having sorted that out, the captain welcomed our guests, local pasta makers Al and Margaret Dentay and Scott and Lila Mason all the way from FNQ. The googly ball went to Vicki Still for rescuing Wodger the wonder dog from the clutches (literally) of a large kangaroo while suffering significant personal injuries. The dummy spit was awarded to Scott Mason who complained bitterly about having to get up at 6.30am to play golf. Apparently they leap out of bed at the crack of noon in FNQ.

NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter 2, Larry King 2 and Paul Griffin 2. The junior comp resulted in a tie between Lila Mason and Phoebe Beckett. Winner of the senior nine hole comp was Pete Harrison with 23 Stableford points from Paul Griffin in second place on 17 and Lofty Mason 3rd on 15. Well played, all!

Demonstrating the sporting nature of this corner of Greater Queanbeyan, there is to be a mixed sports day on Sunday 14 January starting at 12.30pm. The program includes boules, badminton, swimming and kangaroo wrangling. On Australia Day (look it up, do I have to do everything for you?) there will be a nine hole comp on various Wamboin estates commencing at 4pm. No wonder we’re so fit and healthy! And the next official Wamboin golf day will be on Sunday, 4 February, sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families. See you at the Hall at 12.15pm for the customary 12.30pm shotgun start.

Larry King, stable golfer

2017

December Competition Results

This report comes to you from Mahogany Ark, afloat on Lake George after the Great Deluge over the weekend of 2/3 December. I’ve been collecting two of every species. So far I’ve got two shingle backs, two blue tongues, two browns, two tigers and two red-bellied blacks. I’m having trouble in determining the sex of the snakes. Apparently the sexes differ in the number of ventral scales—that’s the number of scales from the vent (rectum to you) and the tail. But the snake has to cooperate in the counting process.

Pine Slice

And talking about cooperation, what about our brave and helpful local member, Seve Bolero, the grand poobah of the NSW Country Party, publicly calling on our Malcolm to resign, eh? And done with the courage and courtesy typical of the true statesman—before he actually shirt-fronted Malcolm. Not to mention the seasoned politician’s finely-tuned sense of occasion—just when James Joyce, man of letters and federal leader of the National Country Party, was trying to clamber back into the trough. Keep it up, Seve. History beckons.

But the subject is golf, specifically the R & A Wamboin GC’s Christmas competition which drew a curtain across the club’s programme of events for 2017. Once the floodwaters had subsided we donned Arthur Wellesley’s famous boots, kept calm and carried on. The day was sponsored by the Harrisons and Greenwoods whose generous contribution of refreshments and prizes is gratefully acknowledged.

Short 'n Sweet

As we dried off back on high ground, we learned that Scrooge McDougal, manager of the local branch of the Indigo Bank, is understandably excited about the banking industry royal commission. He hopes the four big outfits get the shellacking they deserve. Your correspondent has an alternative perspective. The inquiry should concentrate on what those plonkers at APRA, ACCC and ASIC were doing while the banks were dry cleaning our money and generally ripping everyone off. Meanwhile, there’s to be another (ho hum) royal wedding. The red-headed chap with the beard is getting hitched to Miss Marple, the elderly private detective.

Winners & Grinners

The captain welcomed our guests Charlie and Helen Montesin of no fixed abode. Ted Evans told us of a new use for pancakes. Pete Harrison got the googly ball for wanting to play on after his drive from tee 16 landed on fairway 17. (Come on, you can work it out.) John Whitney got the dummy spit (again) for suggesting complications to the 9 hole comp.

Prizegiving

LD and NTP ball winners were Paul Griffin 2, John Whitney 2, Vicki Still, Alex Gordon, Ken Gordon, Tim Barter and Glen Crafter. Paul Griffin was also awarded his prize for taking out the 2017 Eclectic, as reported last month. The junior comp was won by Alex Gordon. The 9 hole comp was won by Ken Gordon 35/30 with Joan Mason runner-up on 47/36 after eliminating a sponsor. The 18 hole comp went to Tim Barter 68/58 (a new course record after breaking his own record set in last month’s Open!) from Paul Griffin 82/62 and Glen Crafter 91/66 (a handicap which may not stand).

Our next golf day will be in 2018, a whole year away. Join us at the hall on Sunday, 7 January at 12.15pm for the traditional 12.30pm kick off. And wear a smile. It might be another terrific year. But check the archaic meaning of terrific while having a moderately merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year.

Larry King, golfer

18-09-2018